I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
People in love make me want to vomit
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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