guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
