if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
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