when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
whose ass print is on the piano?
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
I want to see a guy holding a pizza and a bottle of scotch and a box of magnums. I'm a simple woman.
March Madness means a buffet of emotionally vulnerable dick at the bars almost every night. So yeah my vagina and I are big fans.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I think the cats may be lesbians. It could just be a two hour mutual bath but it sure looks like a 69.
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