theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
Randomize
