I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy
I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
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