Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
All i remember was he was wearing billibong pants... well actually my mom found that out for me.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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