Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
well he's currently spooning the coffee table
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
There is nothing worse than the batteries of your vibrator dying on valentines day
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
He bedazzled a shirt for me that said "best head giver" should I be thankful for the gift or concerned that he has a bedazzler?
As he put it in he shouted "geronimo!"
Wow... So was the sex good?
Yeah but it doesn't matter. My vagina is not a pool.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
