ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
i could't wear that belt anymore, it was gonna make me keep shitting for the rest of the night
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.
For someone who's supposed to be gay Greg is really good at seducing me into things I don't wanna do
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