Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Also, do you think i could get away with finishing my vodka cranberry from last night at work if i put orange juice in it? Serious question.
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
It's like an adderall Houdini. Right when you think you have a deal he disappears
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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