I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
Less talking, more tequila
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
After the 2nd person threw up, you told us that your 'mint shooters' were just shots of mint mouthwash
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Randomize