found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I blew him while watching the aristocats. There were singing cats in the background. I think he he hummed along at one point.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
by the way whatever wisdom you imparted upon me last night was lost to whatever i smoked out of a beer can.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Randomize
