I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Randomize
