Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
We need to rekindle our bromance
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
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