Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
TIT CHECK! TIT CHECK! ALERT! ALERT!!!!
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
seeing two freshman taking a cab home at noon on a Monday makes me realize how much worse my life choices could have been
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
