Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Just had flashback to me showering u with stir fry as u rythed on the floor
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
