My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
studying for my Anatomy final and masturbating to Japanese porn are practically the same thing
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
Randomize
