i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
i just licked my manager on accident and i'm freaking out
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
I HAVE A STRAIGHT LINE ACROSS MY ASS ABOUT THE WIDTH OF A SLIM JIM. ERICA!
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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