Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
im sleeping with a therapist...so you can talk to me.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
