I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
And now thanks to shrooms we all got a terrifying glimpse of what goes on in his head. I will not say I didn't see it coming when it turns out he made a suit out of people's skin
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
I can HEAR him staring at your boobs.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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