Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
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