How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
