This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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