If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Randomize
