We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I just finished spraying the foam party off my pumps with a garden hose
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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