If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
