you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just had to call my mom to come pick me up stoned at a Lana's house and beg her to buy me Taco Bell. I'm graduating from college in 14 hours. Fuck
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I will read books by day and do guys by night. A mental and physical enlightenment, if you will.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
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