It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity
Something's gotta give!
There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
I made out with the bride. You tell me how my night was
I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
