I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
dude, wtf is with her now? she has stuff up about how i am kicking her while she's down
wtf? who are you bitching about me to now?
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Randomize
