just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Setting myself up for trouble? Yes. But getting laid is a lot more important at this time.
Randomize