if you take his cock out, you have to give him a bj. it's like giving a moose a muffin.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
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