She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
four guys that i have slept with have come into my job today. FOUR. i feel like it's like bring your sex partners to work day.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My professor just asked for my number. Not fucking her till after finals though I learned my lesson last time.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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