Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
We just fucked like crazy and now I'm dipping chips in macaroni & cheese. I feel completely accomplished. This may be the best day ever.
If my one night stand asked me to move in with him right after does it still count as a one nighter?
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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