im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Rob and I are cross faded and the only one taking care of us is a drunk person who's making us dance.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Randomize
