david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
The beer is more important than you right now.
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I decided that I do the same thing when i'm drunk with every guy who has a girlfriend...lecture them on how bad cheating is, then hook up with them. I'm like good cop, bad cop.
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
Earned the respect of a group of freshman by chugging Das Boot while hanging out a window and lost it shortly after by wrecking a clown bike into them.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
