You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
