Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I sense naked hashbrown eating in my near future.
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Some mornings I close deals. Other mornings I puke out my window while I’m driving down the highway
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
