i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
