I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
She tied her key to her bra the night before and couldn't get it off while trying to open the door this morning so she just took her bra off and let it tangle from the key while unlocking the door...the old Indian couple next door were shocked.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
Randomize
