we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
Just realized I'm going to have to make you sign a non-disclosure agreement before my wedding.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I didn't mean that as an expression. I'm literally asking if you want to watch Netflix and do nothing.
Randomize
