You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
