you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
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