All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
How high are you?
I feel like breakfast can just fly into my mouth
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Randomize
