im ready to get crazy and take my wig off
I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
The best part about drinking boxed wine is you can blow up the bag and use it as a pillow
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
It's something I can't competently describe without making sex sounds.
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Randomize
