guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
i walked outside and you were driving up the stairs to her apartment
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Randomize
