Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
He actually just looked up and said I'm gonna cum in my pants. and he did. no shame.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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