Do you still like to have your hair pulled?
No, I never liked having my hair pulled. I think you have me confused.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my fridge, one on my face, and a trail of it leading to my bedroom, and sauce all in my bed, and I have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
