you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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