Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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