remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
Its a holy bong. We had to bless the holy bong water.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
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