There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
