While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
I just ate powdered extacy out of my wallet. I think I might have for a second of my reasonable life been on your level.
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Randomize
