I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
In my dream I had to eat so many peanut butter and Nutella sandwiches
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
Randomize
