Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
CONGRATS VODKA, YOU WON RHIS TIME..
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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